My perfectionism about this blog has been on my mind. As my english teachers always told me, a good paper needs a beginning, middle and end. This one had no end until now.
Looking over my last entry, I noticed that I was anxious about my flights. As most of you know, my journey home definitely didn't turn out the way I had expected. It included battling snow, while taking 2 buses, 2 trains, 2 planes and a car. It was definitely the most uncertain day I have ever experienced. Probably the worst part of the record snow fall in Florence was the fact that all my original plans completely dissolved as soon as I discovered my flight from Florence to Rome was canceled. I'm not someone who handles uncertainty well. I prepared myself for the schedule of that day and was going to strictly adhere to it. By being able to follow the schedule, I would feel like I had control of the situation. I had no control of this day. When the Florence to Rome flight got canceled, everything for the next 2 days was uncertain. I had to live moment to moment. Little goals of "getting to the train station" then "getting a non-canceled train", etc. was how I had to think. That's not how I usually think so it was definitely a growing experience. I broke several times and was rather demanding to find out information. Add that to the incredible instability of my feelings about leaving the country I have come to love, and that's pretty much my feelings now and at that time. I'm very proud of my friends and "flight buddies" though. Even though many of us didn't like each other, we worked together to get things done. I had to remain calm and was a leader in ways I have never been before. "My teams" hard work paid off in the end because we were the only 50 students to fly out that day.
So, in closing out this blog I wanted to report a little on my feelings of re-entry into the US. It has been a time of continued instability as to my mental, emotional, and physical state (totally a psychologist, my future employers will be happy). The jetlag and my body's clock has majorly been an influence in everything I do. After arriving "home home" on Sunday, I have gotten over the worst part of the jetlag but what is still a contributor to my state of being is the fact that my body thinks it's 12 pm when it's really only 6 am. So, I go to bed extremely early and get up extremely early as well as wanting a nap in the middle of the day.
The first 2 days were the worst for readjusting to everything. My mind continues to think I'm in Italy so when I have to drive, I am not as observant as I should be. It was kind of funny the first time I drove again. I kept saying aloud "This is weird. This is weird. This is weird" over and over to myself in the car. It felt so surreal because my brain thought it was still in Italy, and still does.
Monday and Tuesday were very lonely days. I don't have any abroad friends that live around me and most were still stuck in the airports in various cities and countries, so talking to anyone was basically impossible. I really just wanted, and want, someone to say they are experiencing the same feelings I am. My body physically rejects American food. It's become a game to see how long I can keep food in my body. I am hungry most of the time because the food just doesn't taste like what I'm use to. There are foods I crave or finally talk myself into, only to take a bit and not want to eat anymore because my body suddenly looses its appetite (until I stop eating said food, then it's hungry again). I'm lonely because I can't talk to anyone within reach of me (my family, local friends, etc) because they don't understand and can't relate with stuff I would say about trying to adjust again. Basically all I want to hear from anyone is "Me too". I want to know I'm not crazy for turning the water facite the wrong way each time (because they are turned a different direction) or walk into a room only to have my fingers search the wall for the light switch (because they are lower in Italy). Or to have someone freak out with me when I can read and order in english.
In my mind, I translate how to say or ask something into Italian, only to realize I don't have to. It's disappointing. I never realized how much I used the language until now. Even speaking to my host mom in the mornings. I just never thought about it because it's something I always did. I'm starting to say more in Italian with my own family around the house because that's how I stay sane.
Watching tv was overwhelming at first. I was still trying to process the basics so viewing the guide, that includes hundreds of channels, was too big of a decision at the time. I literally pulled my laptop out and watched shows on it. My brother mentioned something about it, I just said "I'm used to my laptop" and kept it at that. So for two whole days I passed time like I would in Italy trying to bring some normalcy to my "new" life. At times I care way too much what other people are thinking when I make a comment about something relating to this. One of my biggest fears is that they will think I am being dramatic, but I've come to try to balance what I openly show to others. I have also decided it's not my problem if they think I'm being dramatic. Most of them haven't experienced fully embracing and coming to love a foreign culture only to have to leave it. It is what it is. So I'm trying to be understanding with them and with myself.
I've tried to cook some items like I ate in Italy but have had no luck. The olive oil is a fundamental taste factor I have discovered, and we just don't have it in the states. My body is screaming for anything that resembles my former Italian diet. As I mentioned, it has become a game as to how long that last item of American food will stay in me. I'm basically continuously nauseous. Eating a meal with friends is awkward because I don't really eat. It has been 5 days so hopefully sometime soon it will go away. Something I noticed right away is the fact that EVERYTHING has so much sugar in it. Even apple salad has more sugar than I have been eating. It's constantly a challenge to find something to eat that doesn't include anything processed, covered in some sauce or cheese, and that is somewhat fresh. I'm family certain that is what has been causing my body to freak.
It is crazy to be back with my friends and family. I was literally depressed for 2 straight days, and still get waves of it. My thought is that these past 3 months were literally just something that was stapled into my life only to be removed. The experiences will always remain, but the people and the places will never be in my life again. Everything of my former months will never exist in their entirety ever again. Kind of like being awaken from a dream. No one in the life around me knows what I have experienced and fully learned. They never can. Only the people and places I had this past semester can understand, and they won't play the role the did in Italy.
I was nervous to see my parents again. I keep having to remind myself it was only 3 months because to me, so much happened it feels like much longer. I have matured and grown up faster than people who have stayed here. It feels like no one can grasp just how much, except the people I was with. Even seeing my best friends again was and is nerve racking because I've changed. I was with my best high school friends today. We clicked again because we all fit together so well, but I at least was feeling something different. My once completely silly humor has turned into more adult humor. I don't know if they noticed, but I definitely did.
When people ask me if I'm happy to be back, I just make up something they want to hear when honestly they need to ask me in a couple weeks. I'm not going to lie, I'm not incredibly happy to be back. I love my life, but I have also fallen hopelessly in love with Italy and miss it terribly.
My abroad experience did not end by returning. I have a feeling it won't end for another couple months perhaps. It has been more challenging to return than it was to adjust when I first arrived in Florence. Something that has helped is by finding a couple stores that sell authentic Tuscan wines and italian products. I can learn to incorporate certain aspects of the life I loved into my "normal" life. Being as cliche as I am (I'm an add for study abroad), I would never ever trade this experience. Even all the challenges of having to re-enter life as an American has been a very rewarding time. And the best part, I could still go to grad school abroad. Maybe not Italy (or maybe), but I've survived and loved a semester.... :-)
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